words

2008-09-10T18:15:00.003-06:00

I don't exactly know why I'm writing this entry. It's been so long since I've posted that I doubt if anyone still reads this. Only tonight I received a comment that someone wrote anonymously about one of my very earliest posts and I wish I knew who that person was.

I re-read the old posts. I was so sure back then, writing so confidently about faith in God. I wrote with so much conviction and resolve, throwing all of myself into the search. I loved proclaiming all of the wonderful things that God was doing and all the things that I was figuring out in my head.

There is some of that person left inside of me, but I am so different on the outside. So much has changed in four years. I can no longer speak with certainty, but it is not because I have given up, it is because there is so little certainty apart from personal experience. I no longer ask loud questions, because the questions I want to ask are the ones that receive quiet responses. I no longer defend the things my head knows because my heart has so little knowledge of them. I have journeyed inward and downward. Deeper. I have turned in on myself to a quieter place where it can all be real in the outward turning.

I wish I knew who you were, and I hope we meet again someday.

standing

2008-02-23T16:40:00.003-06:00

I have been searching lately for the reason why I want to be a follower of Jesus. I don't know right now. So much of faith has been obscured by the life I'm living. I wonder what the point of it all is.
I ask the questions that I need answers to. I wait for answers.
Tonight I'm going to an evening event designed to increase awareness and fundraise for women in the Congo who have been brutally raped and abused and are invisible to much of the world. The things that happen to these women are so horrid that I can't even believe that we are allowed to print the words in a magazine. I can do so little.
I realize in my unbelief that faced with this reality of women in the Congo, Jesus is one person who won't stand for it. He asks us to stand up and face the truth and he doesn't give us so many reasons why it can be ignored. That's something I need to sit with. Who else sets enough of an example that we should follow them? Who else really cares for these women apart from a sociological, political, human rights perspective?
I've been watching too much tv. Too many episodes of Friends, House and CSI. Who cares about that when there are women being blown apart because a soldier wants to exercise power and destroy their soul, all for the fun of it?

Justice

2007-05-08T16:11:00.000-06:00

I've been exploring the idea of social justice. Not only intervening for victims of injustice in terms of faith, but also for their quality of life. This is a growth process for me. I can't say honestly whether I'm prepared to avoid certain stores because of their history. It feels impersonal; as much as I tell myself that it's a responsible thing to do, it's hard to follow it up with actions when I have no faces and stories to go with injustice. I pray that God brings them to me.

Nonetheless, here are a couple of websites that will help us to make responsible choices when it comes to consumerism and blindly and ignorantly supporting injustice.

Coop America - Responsible Shopper
http://www.coopamerica.org/programs/rs/companies.cfm

Social Justice and Hunger Action
http://www.crcna.org/pages/osjha_lifestyle.cfm

Responsible Investing
http://www.socialinvest.org/

Global Exchange
http://www.globalexchange.org/

Living Simply
http://www.simpleliving.org/

In pictures

2007-05-04T09:32:00.000-06:00

Reflections on Banff

2007-05-03T12:56:00.000-06:00

This past weekend I was in Banff as part of a worship team at the BUWC assembly. It's hard not to be excited about Banff.
Leading up to the conference, I was feeling drained emotionally and was dealing with some big spiritually-charged life questions. I knew that I needed solitude, and I needed beauty. These past months have been a journey of discovering the growth that happens with the presence of God, the small changes that come unexpectedly without effort when the Spirit shows up. I needed the Spirit to show up.
Here are my unexpected blessings:

The wonderful display of weather - bright sunny days and bright snow-capped mountains, the sweet smell of rain and the soft sound of droplets on my clear umbrella, the peace that comes with snowflakes that fall, fluffy and unique, in a steady blanket of white, fog that mystifies and veils and settles among the trees.
A perfect match to my ocean experience in St Vincent. I remember the first time seeing the vast ocean and while singing The Love of God, realizing that God's love was powerful beyond measure. And since, really seeing the mountains, the unmistakable size and perfection of them. The quiet strength that called rock to rise from the earth, towering above the rest of the world, yet the whisper that causes them to melt like wax before the Lord.
Sitting in a meadow, surrounded by mountains, in perfect stillness. I am continually struck by the life and perfection of the created world without interruption. I wondered at its praise of God, in stillness being fully alive. And the extravagance of God to lavish his creativity on something that may go forever unnoticed. And yet his excitement at sharing it with us. Bursts of color. Blue-purple rock, turquoise water, rich bronze algae that explodes into water like ink.
A long trek. Endless time. Following behind the footsteps of another, afraid to look up at another hill. I wondered what it meant to follow closely in the footsteps of Jesus- trusting that he is going in the right direction, and remembering not to lift my head and take on more than I can handle.
A wonderful, wonderful session on good news for the sinned against. The kind of wonderful that makes my heart pound at the truth that is being spoken. How does good news need to be different for those who are hurting, for those who have been sinned against? Out of this time my mind burst with hope and ideas for redeeming and restoring those who are broken.
An addition to my growing understanding of the beauty and need for community. I've been pondering community, not as a chance benefit or side-effect of following God, but as a deeply valuable and inherent part of God's design for us, of God's own nature. Community in a way that makes God tangible and reflects parts of his character that wouldn't otherwise be visible. A community that has God's word on its lips, one that is a witness to God's goodness for and to each other. And now, a community that intervenes for a God who hates injustice. People who represent a God who is omniscient and omnipotent - and demonstrate God's character in a real way for those who are searching to believe that God knows all injustice, despises it, and promises to rescue.
A beautiful, soul-wrenching version of Great is Thy Faithfulness by Steve Bell. The silent word that God is indeed faithful...while we're busy looking the other way, he keeps on making leaves. And God is faithful in life, not as a promise of smooth sailing, but a promise of underlying strength and a flowing of goodness through all life.

All I have needed, Thy hand hath provided

Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.

broken is open

2007-04-17T09:31:00.000-06:00

"But when it comes to putting broken lives back together - the human best tends to be at odds with the holy best. To do for yourself the best that you have it in you to do - to grit your teeth and clench your fists in order to survive the world at its harshest and worst- is, by that very act, to be unable to let something be done for you and in you that is more wonderful still. The trouble with steeling yourself against the harshness of reality is that the same steel that secures your life against being destroyed secures your life also against being opened up and transformed by the holy power that life itself comes from."

Not weird....adorable

2007-02-06T12:44:00.000-06:00

So here is the 'weird' post. I, personally, do not think that I'm that weird. I had help in this category, so I've made a list of 10. Even now, the list makes me more 'adorable'.

I leave half-finished glasses of water all over.
I have a condition called 'geographic tongue'.
I have another condition called 'Raynaud's Syndrome' which makes my feet turn blue.
I am a beginner accordion player.
When I'm sick- I do sinus flushes. (they work)
I can't eat fettucine noodles because they remind me of tapeworms.
I am a spelling nazi.
I like my Eggo waffles cut in a grid pattern without being messed up.
I hate checking my phone messages.
Sometimes I snort if I laugh really hard.

*because i have been an inconsistent blogger, i do not have friends to tag.

Enchanted

2007-01-29T08:54:00.000-06:00

This world is enchanted
Lean closer to see it
This world is enchanted
Dare to breathe it in

This world is enchanted
Lean closer to see it
This world is enchanted
Dare to breathe it in
Dare to breathe it in

O God,
Give us new eyes to see
Give us new skin to feel
Give us new lungs to breathe
The wonder underneath

Faith like a mustard seed
Holy naivete
To swim in your mystery
We need to be free
Free to breathe it in
Free to breathe it in
Born and born again

This world is transcendent
Lean closer to see it
This world is resplendent
Dare to breathe it in
Dare to breathe it in

through a glass, darkly

2007-01-23T09:06:00.000-06:00

i don't know myself in these moments
they have strung together to make time pass
and still i am a stranger to myself
i would turn to you to ask you who i am
in these moments where i float in pieces
how can one who is broken
form words that are together
and i don't know what i'm asking for

feeling like myself seems a small request
surely this wilderness has a bigger purpose
than for me to say 'i know myself'

it is stranger still to be hidden
among things that display themselves so brightly
to make you feel at home
like you can see yourself reflected
in their familiarity
and know you are real

something unseen has clouded the glass where i normally see myself
and i'm surprised
to discover that it's harder to believe that i'm real
when i can't see myself in something else

burst

2007-01-18T08:37:00.000-06:00

this morning the sun is rising over a bed of trees. its light is wonderfully veiled by clouds that blend in and out of the sky. each minute changes the way the sun reveals itself, getting more intense. ready to burst. it colors clouds that you wouldn't even know were there- until they shine a different way.
it is a glory too much for the eyes now. but so beautiful- so soft around the edges.
fog moves across the lake like a river flowing. the horizon as it comes to life is such a deep blue and purple. so soft that you want to lay on it. so beautiful you don't want to disturb it.
the sky is painted with texture.
soft and wispy like cotton ripped.
long and sleek like a painter's brush.
faint, intense, unobtrusive, like color that wasn't mixed well enough and snuck onto the canvas.
you can tell it's cold by the way the world looks today
every shade of blue and grey is here.
but not in a sad kind of way
they are perfect colors to let the sun shine
i want to watch the world awaken
to not miss the beginning of the day.

Voice of Truth

2006-08-11T13:11:00.000-06:00

Today I am taking a big step of faith. I don't feel prepared. I don't know what it means for God to be with me or give me peace. It feels abstract. I have tried to control almost everything up to this point. And now I realize that trusting God means that I can't control how things will turn out and I can't choose what I will risk and what I will cling to. So in surrender I am clinging to the words of this song with everything I have, everyday that I have.

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
On to the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out His hand

But the waves are calling out my name
And they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again.
"You'll never win!""You'll never win!"

But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name
And he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again.
"You'll never win!""You'll never win!"

But the Voice of Truth tells me a different story
The Voice of Truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the Voice of Truth says, "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth

I soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

mystery is awake

2006-08-01T13:23:00.000-06:00

my head is full of things that don't make sense. like the moment i happened to glance out the window at church in time to see a woman drive through the parking lot about to break down in tears. i want to know why she was crying. and why i finally saw a guy i went to school with, whom i've been thinking about for a while, only to try to avoid being seen by him.

i wonder why i've been made to love the mysterious. i know that i do because i love fog and a certain level of uncertainty - i love believing that magical things could exist and the way that translucent material veils reality. i think that god made me this way because He is a mystery and in a way most of everything we know is mysterious. if this is a gift, then my heart is searching and longing to know god and bring to life the ways that he reaches into our reality from his mystery.

i had a conversation with someone the other day that got me wondering about how often i embrace reality in my life. it's easy to go through the motions of living i guess, but harder to live in the face of reality. it hurts more to live with the reality that some people that i love don't know god. it hurts more to live knowing that i have no control, that even extravagant love is unnoticed or maybe unwanted. that i do so very little when it comes to bringing healing or hope, or that i much prefer to blend in rather than to shout my love for god from the mountains, or even speak it quietly to a stranger for that matter.

sometimes when i'm sitting in church, my mind wanders towards the reality that the words being spoken are about this life. that in this life, jesus was here; in this life the holy spirit lives in me to display god's glory; in this life i will choose to risk and be alive and in this life i will know what it's like to step into mystery. it's not a story that i can read while it happens to someone else as i go through the motions of living. maybe believing is so scary because we have to be awake, to accept something of reality that is easier to ignore. and then god is the one who asks us to do the most with our awakening.

The difference is you

2006-07-20T08:43:00.000-06:00

This summer hasn't turned out at all like I expected. I remember thinking a few years ago, when I was learning what it meant to not have complete control, that sometimes things work out better if I'm not the author. That got me thinking about whether I could trust God to be in control and Author a better version.

I'm also thinking now that any plans I make for myself will be inherently tentative because God is the only one who knows my life to come. I'm the kind of person who likes change; I like having new hair and moving my couches around. I'm not as comfortable with my life changing, but I can still remember that uncertainty only lasts for a while and that the other side is from God.

When summer started, I did not make tentative plans. I knew what I had to do. Unfortunately, I did not cooperate with myself - actually, myself went the opposite direction. Nearing the other side of summer, I look back to see a time of walking in the desert, being exposed to myself, having to decide what's important to me and seeing again that God is writing something beautiful with my life.

God begins to feel closer. Or should I say, I'm slowly opening up to him. My stubbornness is slowly leaving, in large part because God gave me two gifts that I didn't deserve. I'm reading again and how much I love it. My fundraising has all come in for the trip- so apart from extra expenses, I can relax.

Beth told me last week that there are times when an option becomes available to us, that it becomes the only option. I still choose music. I don't feel like there is any other option for me at this point - because I still love it, I still want to know if I can do it and I still want to risk something. The change is that it may not happen quickly and that I may just have to persevere. But I'm not giving up.

This weekend my dad is flying me to Calgary, taking me for supper before Phantom of the Opera and putting me up in a hotel for my birthday. And Beth will be here. And I'm getting a surprise in the mail. Can it be Christine?

i'm still here

2006-07-11T21:50:00.000-06:00

silence is on my mind.

the stillness of the lake made me wonder. the world is actually more beautiful in many ways when i'm just a spectator. it wants nothing, needs nothing and aspires to little besides god-given existence. what it made me wonder was what god was thinking when he added man to this breathtaking and completely serene planet. what i like to think is that god gently set us down here on a masterpiece to listen and to wait for the sounds of life and his voice.

my own life makes me wonder. i've been quieter than normal i think because i don't have many answers and i'm less sure of myself. i'm finding that i like it. i enjoy making time to be silent and the peaceful feeling that comes with not wanting to talk all the time. i also like that the less time i spend in my own way, the more god can be with me.

this book i'm reading is a wonder. invitation to solitude and silence. it likens our soul to a jar of river water that sits long enough to settle into something beautifully clear. the invitation is to be still long enough to face ourselves and let god meet us there, in the stillness the way we were made. and that's good for me because right now i don't feel like i can be anything but quiet.

i wonder at god being a quiet friend who waits for me to spend time with him
a distant lover who waits for me to notice him
a faithful father who waits for me to run to him
a gentle shepherd who waits for me to follow
a loving savior who waits for me to surrender

The darker side of Emmanuel

2006-07-02T18:04:00.000-06:00

Well, this is the end.
The gospel church was great- it seems though that 20 min sermons really mean 52 min sermons. All the standing and singing made me tired. The pastor also said things that were very funny and that a white pastor would never get away with - things like ' if the woman you marry has a lot of clothes when you marry her, don't be surprised if she does a lot of shopping.' only he said it in a black kind of way- with enthusiasm. he sounded like chris rock/ cuba gooding jr.
I have alot of packing to do now. i got some energy from the sun being a big red circle in the sky.
goodbye halifax.

We were born before the wind/ Also younger than the sun/ Ere the bonnie boat was won as we sailed into the mystic

Hark, now hear the sailors cry/ Smell the sea and feel the sky/ Let your soul and spirit fly into the mystic

And when that fog horn blows I will be coming home/ And when that fog horn blows I want to hear it/ I dont have to fear it/ I want to rock your gypsy soul/ Just like way back in the days of old/ Then magnificently we will float into the mystic

And when that fog horn blows you know I will be coming home/ And when that fog horn whistle blows I got to hear it/ I dont have to fear it/ I want to rock your gypsy soul/ Just like way back in the days of old

And together we will float into the mystic

Shoot the Moon

2006-07-01T20:26:00.000-06:00

Peggy's Cove is a quaint fishing village about half an hour away from Halifax. 60 people live there; the rest are tourists. Their lighthouse is a post office. It gets windy there but it feels like you could move in and know everyone around and fish for a living.
I found some treasures at the beach today. I found two kinds of sea life that I can't identify but that looked neat enough for me to take. And glass that's been rubbed smooth by the waves and pieces of shells that look like pearls.
On Canada Day, the right thing to do is watch fireworks. For the first time in my life, I watched them from a balcony as they were shot into the sky off of a boat in the harbor. Richer people than Dan and I took their boats and their friends on the water. They lasted for a long time and I've concluded that they can buy colors and shapes that Saskatoon can't afford. I like being Canadian.
Tomorrow is my last day here. It feels heavy. The best thing about tomorrow is that we're going to a gospel church in the morning and because I'm used to pretending to be black, it will be great.

The Super Strawberry Rhubarb 3.14

2006-06-29T18:23:00.000-06:00

Yesterday we picked up our beautiful pontiac G6 to relieve the stress on my (our) feet. It goes fast. We made a pie pretty much from scratch and went glow in the dark mini golfing. To my delight, we also located the Titanic cemetery. We finally finished the collage, which turned out very well. To end the day, Dan visited Pinski's Palace of Pain and Beauty where he received his third and final tattoo- the word 'surrender' on his wrist. surrender indeed.

Today Mic Mac Mall was our first destination- we both bought shirts that we love. Alas, the day finally came to see Superman Returns in Imax 3D. The stain on my shirt is real butter from the popcorn.
I've successfully finished Prince of Persia. While Dan fought the bad guys, I took care of the puzzles and it worked out wonderfully. I am now free to pursue other interests for two days until I come home.
At the moment my body is fighting a fever of some sort- some unknown variety. It could be that it's hot, or I'm hot or something.

In case you were wondering, the McLobster is not a myth.

Roaming Gnome

2006-06-28T21:09:00.000-06:00

Today our harbor tour was foiled by a computer glitch. Dan is forging a path into the world of art with a collage puzzle for his wall. Coming soon. I found some things to bring home after narrowly escaping an encounter with some gnomes and P E Trudeau. somehow. Later we went dynamite bowling (aptly named). Stick pins. One point per pin. Pin obstruction. Frustration.
It's so foggy tonight I can barely see off the balcony. I love it.
The long day is over.

National Defence

2006-06-27T19:58:00.000-06:00

There are two ghostly windows in Halifax. One turns black when it is replaced; this one shows the silhouette of a woman waiting for her son to come back from the war.

Halifax has character. This old building was painted with famous people, none of whom I recognize.

This is where we protect the country. National Defence is of utmost importance. I am of utmost importance to the nation.

No whale

2006-06-26T19:20:00.000-06:00

Today we went on a whale watching tour without seeing any whales. We ate at a great restaurant with textured walls, crooked mirrors and really good food. I held a lobster without eating him. We played catch in a misty park under a rare blue sky. Now I'm going to make something artistic.
Miss you.

sit still, it's pretty

2006-06-25T20:29:00.000-06:00

I'm still surprised when the world is quiet. It seems sometimes that silence means non-existence.
As a gift from God before leaving for Halifax, I sat in a quiet world by the lake. On the dock I saw the world in stillness like I wasn't there.
The water looked like a dark mirror. Shimmery in a way that made you want to walk on it and mysterious in a way that threatened to make you disappear.
On noisy days I think the more confident stars are comfortable. On quiet nights, the timid stars come out, like if the world is still enough they can sneak into the sky without being noticed.
I've never imagined what a bird in flight would sound like, that it would make any sound at all.
Northern lights are good for nights like this. They move silently and gracefully through the sky like the fish know how to do in the water, like the bird knew how to do in the sky.

the journey:

stand still, look pretty

2006-06-14T00:04:00.000-06:00

If I'd started this a few minutes ago, it would have been exactly 6 months since I last wrote. blah.
I've had enough that I could write about.

I guess my last post came with insignificance. This post comes with detachment. I don't feel like myself- each day I feel more like a pretend version. In every way I can look the part and in every way never play it. My surroundings should be a different hue; all the right shapes but the wrong color. All blue I guess. The road here has disappeared though- at best it's just that life changes and relationships change and I drift away.

I've decided to write music for the summer. So far, all I've figured out is that I'm better at running away. I love writing and I love that the right beautiful words can describe anything. I suppose to write though you have to believe that you have anything to say, that someone will cling to what you say and that it matters. Someday it will matter.

I'm going on a missions trip to St. Vincent in August. Fear is coming with me. Financially God has to do it all. It's funny that I'm doing this when I can't even contribute myself because I'm supposed to be writing. I'm not sure yet if I'll fit well with the team. I know them all, but I feel different. I can't keep myself from getting excited about how beautiful and adventurous it will be. I can't stop thinking about how I'll experience God there and whether it will be a relief for me to know that I'm still alive in some way after the past few weeks. Maybe I don't focus enough on the service part or the missions part, whatever that means. Teams are difficult. I've never really cared that I'm different- I like going my own way, but it's hard not to feel wounded when I'm asked to be like everyone else and I just can't. I guess I'm going for God anyways and not so I can be a perfect little missions team member.

I don't know how to put the rest of life into words. Sometimes when I'm driving, my thoughts wander onto things that I'll never have answers to, or more likely things that I can't do anything about. Like whether my friends think I talk more than I listen, why I can't be more consistent in thought, behavior and love, whether I'll ever be fearless in music, what God is making me into and why faith seems so difficult for me sometimes because I'm me. I'm not looking for those answers. I'm waiting.

In one day, one of my best friends is coming to visit me from Halifax. He has become a strong man surrendered to God in a way that makes me want to be different. I want it to be the beginning of me finding myself. I still question whether it's ok to run from God towards another person. But I think it's ok if you run towards a person who will carry you to God.

I think part of the reason that I feel far from myself is that I haven't spent time with people who carry me to God. Life is busy and I can't make myself demand their time. The trouble with that is that I crave interaction with some people in a way that keeps my heart alive- I need to work out my faith in conversation and stories and sharing. I need people to know what I'm thinking and feeling and facing so that I know myself. So that I can speak myself into an existence that won't disappear with the next breath.

i want to paint my face
and pretend that i am someone else
sometimes i get so fed up
i don't even want to look at myself

but people have problems that are worse than mine
i don't want you to think i'm complaining all the time
and i hate the way you look at me i have to say
i wish i could start over

i am slowly falling apart
i wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
you might think it's easy being me
you just stand still, look pretty

In a world of strangers

2005-12-13T23:17:00.000-06:00

I feel little today. Little as in insignificant. I'm not totally convinced that I've ever felt significant in a lasting, life-changing sort of way.

Today it was brought on by reading other people's blogs. Strangers always seem like lively and adventurous creatures. They make the most out of life, they travel, they discover their calling, they change the world.

I feel like I will disappear in a world full of these people. My career path looks more like an overgrown trail in the jungle. If God has called me, I've been too busy singing to hear it. And if God has called me to sing, I've been too afraid to embrace it.

I'm not sure how I'll make a difference in the world. Life feels messy. I don't want to disappear. But mostly I just want to live in the life God has made for me, resting securely in the plans he has laid out. Being significant, being unique. Being just myself.

Hand Dryers and a Bit of Gum

2005-11-10T12:00:00.000-06:00

Well, I promised Beth that if she updated her blog, I would update mine. Admittedly this is a momentous occasion on my part.

To counteract her preoccupation with rain, I am going to write about something dry. Like hand dryers. But it won't always be about Beth.

I don't really like hand dryers all that much. They make my hands too dry. I need lotion kind of dry. Beth really likes them because they save the environment.
She doesn't like that I spit my gum out on the sidewalk, or the parking lot, or anywhere that unsuspecting individuals could encounter it.

So the other day, I went out somewhere and I chose the hand dryer over the paper towel. And I spit my gum into a hedge. Out of sight. And I realized that I did it not because I love dry hands, but because I love Beth. And it reminds me of her to do it, and it respects her to do it, and it shows my love for her to do things that she cares about.
And that made me think of why we do things because we love God. And it made me think that I'm very far from loving God with my actions. Especially all the hard things. But it showed me what the bible means when it says that we do things out of love for God. Cause if you really love God, it feels joyful to do things you know He'd love.
I have to admit though, I honestly can't say I love God very much, based on my actions. The good things is that there's alot of room for that, and He's very lovable. :) And He loves me alot, and He does things out of love for me. So I leave you with something Beth just sent to me.

O Lord,
Love me intensely,

Love me often and long!
For the more often you love me,
the purer I become.
The more intensely you love me,
the more beautiful I become.
The longer you love me,
the holier I become.

Down At Your Feet

2005-04-22T23:40:00.000-06:00

Today I felt overwhelmed by my dependence on God. When you wander far, and He calls you back, you can't help but fall at His feet. I mean really fall. Just because you know how insignificant and incapable you are of being anything without Him. Just because He holds your whole life in His hands.

Today I fell. I just couldn't stand anymore in the knowledge of the holiness and righteousness and awe and beauty of my God. I fell right onto the floor with my arms outstretched. It must be a mystery why independence vanishes when you're lying down. If I stand, I feel like I can do it on my own. If I lay down, God has control of the whole world while I lay there helpless. And it's just how it should be.

Today I cried. Because I realized how much I want God to have of my life and how much I want to be holy and blameless in His sight. More than anything. More than having love. More than being touched. More than anything.

'The LORD reigns, let the earth be glad; let the distant shores rejoice.
Clouds and thick darkness surround him; righteousness and justice are the foundation of his throne.
Fire goes before him and consumes his foes on every side.
His lightning lights up the world; the earth sees and trembles.
The mountains melt like wax before the LORD , before the Lord of all the earth.
The heavens proclaim his righteousness, and all the peoples see his glory.'
Psalm 97:1-6

Amen

No Ocean Deep Enough

2005-04-18T11:12:00.000-06:00

This morning I read the words to a song that I love. I love it because the first line is 'have you any idea how beautiful you are...' I didn't realize that it was a song from God to me. From God to you. This is my gift to you. Immerse yourself in what God has to say.

Have you any idea how beautiful you are...
That in a million years I could not love you more
Like the sun can only shine so bright in the auburn sky
And you will never be abandoned
I will never leave you stranded
I would die to find a way to reach you...
There is no ocean deep enough
No mountain high or steep enough
To keep me away- keep me away from you
There is no highway long enough
No river wide or strong enough
To keep me away- keep me away from you
When are you gonna believe like I believe in you?
If love is a lie then there is no truth
So I'll hang it all on the wire and follow you anywhere
And you don't have to be lonely
Or look very hard to find me
I'll be walking on your stormy sea
I know you're feeling lost sometimes
I know you're losing sleep at night
And faith is hard to find
And prayers are crashing to the floor
And you wonder what you're praying for...

Buon Giorno

2005-04-16T14:08:00.000-06:00

Alot has been happening lately. I've made huge leaps in understanding love and showing love. I feel that a bit more of me is free.

I just got back from a few days in Calgary with Beth. I had a really good time with my aunt and seeing the city. I finally got to drive around a bit and experience big city life. I learned how to make drumstick cake...
I made a conscious choice to love someone when I really didn't feel like it, and that's a big step for me. It feels good to do something right. I can't say that I'd change much about the trip. I won a free drink from Starbucks for knowing that Rufus Wainwright sang 'Hallelujah' on the Shrek soundtrack. I got to see a beautiful church. Mostly though I just realized that I missed being home. If you're reading this, I missed you. I wanted to share things with you- and so I want you to know that you're special.

I've decided to move. I'm growing more excited about it and I feel that God has really blessed me in this decision. I hope you can come to my new house when I move in.

And so, because I have alot to do, I will leave you with a few quotes from the road, literally.

'It helps if you go fast over the bumps.'
'Oil on the bottom, cinnamon bun on the top.'
'There’s open road like nobody’s business.'
'Hitting things works more often than you realize.'
(while passing) 'I can’t see anything.'
'I wonder where the keys are.'
'It’s so refreshing to see live mammals.'
'..Diana Ross kissed him on the lips. Poor Stevie, he didn’t even see it coming.'

*love*

Running the Race

2005-03-24T00:39:00.000-06:00

Oh my goodness. A whole month has gone by.

Yesterday, while talking to my best friend, I realized that I'm embarking on an emotional journey to another country. For some unknown reason, other than God's gentle leading, I am going somewhere I've never been before; somewhere unfamiliar. I'm going there to learn about my surroundings; to learn how they will affect me; to learn how I need to adapt to live fruitfully and joyfully in this new place. I am going to get lost in the streets of this place, and be alone alot of the time. It shouldn't really be a surprise. My friends are being called by God to leave this place and journey to the next stop in their lives following God's will. I am being called to stay here and journey to the next stop in my life in learning how to love and how to immerse myself in God. Life is the same; big or small, tangible or intangible, physical or spiritual.

God is gracious when He reminds us that we've gone way off course. I went to a beautiful funeral today for a woman who loved God with all her heart and sought after Him until she got to see Him face to face. I didn't know her, but something about her life touched me in such a way that my heart ached. The big picture is that we're on earth to seek God, to love people, to run the race to the finish and to do it in a way that leaves people wanting a double portion of whatever we had. The big picture in my life is that I fumble around trying to find my way without immersing myself in the Word of God; I rely on myself more than on what He says or the way He is. I just don't get it sometimes. I forget it sometimes. But I still feel a thirst for knowing God's word, and I feel that when I learn things like this, I want to know more. When satan comes at me with a lie, I will know the truth. When my focus is on the wrong thing, I will know where it needs to be.

I've really been enthralled with Matthew lately. I like getting to know Jesus, but I like it the most because certain things stand out to me that didn't used to before. Jesus knew how to get past games and answer what people were really asking. He knew how to relate the kingdom of God to every situation He faced. But mostly, He was gentle and He says "I want to heal you..." and "Let me teach you..." and that I just can't refuse.

Blessed be Your name.
When the world's all as it should be.
Blessed be Your name.

Canadian Idolatry

2005-02-23T20:25:00.000-06:00

Forgive me first of all for having very little energy or motivation to post in the past while.

Forgive me second of all for the time I will spend talking about Canadian Idol. I have many thoughts about the whole thing of course but I will share only a few. As I approached the end of my second audition, the very nice judge said to me, " I think you have a really cool vibe to your voice and you would do well writing songs that showcase what you can do, rather than trying to sing somebody else's songs." With that I left and later I realized what I had been ignorant about before: They're looking for someone 'original' enough to stand out, and 'conformed' enough to sing other peoples' songs in a new way. Be like someone else, but not too much or you won't stand out enough. I saw Theresa alot. She sang for us and did alot of interviews. She is very talented and I know exactly why she made it as far as she did: she can sing, she can play her guitar, she can look cute and she can win over hearts. She can also romance people who give her what she wants, and not give the time of day to people who have nothing to offer. God knows what he's talking about. The whole country has been seduced by someone who has fit perfectly into a pre-determined mold and done it well and looked good doing it- and yet it's a shallow kind of success where unknown people get left behind and empty-handed people get ignored. I'm sorry for my negativity, but I expect alot more than that from anyone labelled Saskatoon's Sweetheart.
I didn't make it through the second round like Rachel and Alexa. Initially I wasn't that upset cause I felt like I was in over my head even getting to the second audition. But then something familiar set in- it's called feeling left out. I've spent a large part of two days really hurting because I was the only one out of the three of us who didn't make it that far. I've acted foolishly and said insensitive things having been engulfed in such a horrible feeling. It's a very blessed time when you recognize God's protection and care with completely open eyes. How untrusting, silly, guilty, immature I feel for the way I react. How much I have to learn when it comes to God. Sometimes I like to feel hurt more than I like to trust God or let him help me feel the right thing. Most of the time after I pray, I forget what I've prayed for and I develop a blindness to the ways in which God will answer me. The truth is that I never could have handled being in front of those judges. I am fragile when it comes to all the things that it involves: self-image, value, self-presentation, drive. God knew this and my reaction was jealousy and anger and hurt. But I feel so thankful that God spared me and I feel so loved and protected by him. I feel humble that I consistently over-react to the wrong things and that our great God goes about his plans to shelter me and do what's best in a world we don't understand. He offered me a great and beautiful gift by exposing me to encouragement from producers and keeping me from things that would crush my spirit.

A few weeks ago I was at school meeting a friend and I was waiting in an office. A counsellor in the office was helping a girl who had some mental illness that made it difficult for her to be reasonable and function normally. When the girl left, the counsellor proceeded to go into another office and laugh and joke about the girl with other people. I felt sad that our world has developed services and provided help for people because it's the right, political, moral thing to do and gone and left it up to people who don't really care, or who think it's a big joke, or have better things to do with their time. There's a big opportunity for us here to pick up the broken pieces from worldy efforts to show God's love and to be transparent and real to people who see one-sided efforts everywhere else.

How great is our God.

What Dreams May Come

2005-02-02T11:45:00.001-06:00

I haven't had any substantial thoughts or revelations. I stumbled across an analogy of my life. Apart from blessings and joy, alot of the time I feel like I'm fumbling through hell in "What Dreams May Come." Things are grabbing at me, pulling me down, binding my heart. I don't want to give the impression that my life is hell. I'm not saying that at all. I have a beautiful life- but when you know there's more to life than earthly things, you can't help but feel like you're in hell if you don't have it.
I spent the weekend at Breakforth with some wonderful people. I went feeling discouraged because I knew my heart wasn't alive. It surprised me how quickly my heart wanted to be alive. I want my dreams to come true and I want to give everything to God, even when my mind is overwhelmed- my heart just jumps at the chance.
I'm starting to see things differently. I see alot of work ahead but I'm slowly starting to understand where I need to go. It's not really a clear path. God has been giving me little gifts. Many of the verses mentioned this past weekend were ones I'd been introduced to or had been well aware of in the previous weeks. Speakers phrased things in ways that specifically addressed things I was feeling. When a thought came into my mind, I was reminded of God's character and how what I was thinking wasn't really true. It's not like anything is much different yet- but it's really exciting to start to see little glimpses of hope.
As much as I lack discipline, my heart just longs for the day when I spend time each morning with God because I finally get why it's important. I've heard it so many times, but just now am I beginning to see how it will apply to me and what that time has to offer for setting my heart free. Time with God seems exciting. The most humbling thing as a christian is to realize that you've been complaining about something with your eyes closed. I said I wasn't free- but what I was also saying was that I wanted freedom to be a magical, instantaneous gift from God that allowed me to continue my life with my heart connected to his by a thread. If my heart were fully connected to his- wouldn't I be free? There's nothing I can't say to him. Nothing he doesn't already know, no dream he isn't aware of, no hurt he doesn't want to heal. He could be a refuge; now that my eyes are open I want him to be my refuge.
One other thing I realized is that I know now what I need to surrender to God. Surrender isn't like an ambiguous action. Surrender sounds inherently ambiguous. It's not. It's more like a tailor-made intimacy with God. I have certain thoughts I always need to surrender to God. Others have different thoughts, or actions, or temptations, or strongholds, or weaknesses. I don't know if surrender can be a blanket christian action. I surrender my insecurity and my fear of being abandoned because if I don't, I become jealous of my best friend. I surrender my preconceived notions about love and leadership because if I don't, I'm not letting God work through me by encouraging and uplifting others. It's like each thing I need to surrender is directly linked to ways that I can be free and be a blessing to others, and be more like God.
God has spoken to me in this blog. I started out with a vague purpose of sharing some thoughts. I leave now with a sense that I've gained something by voicing passing thoughts. I'm excited about my day with God.
Thank you for being in my life. When you read this I hope that you know how much of a gift you are to me and how much I appreciate you even when I rarely say it and my heart doesn't show it. I wouldn't want to be here without you.
Above all else, guard your heart. For it is the wellspring of life.

Oh beautiful heart

2005-01-19T12:54:00.000-06:00

I've realized in the past few days that maybe coming to Christianity later in life would really have a huge impact on your mind and heart. So many of us, including me, grow up with a belief in God and a somewhat christian upbringing. Also, for many of us, we grow up in complacency; we're rarely taught what it means to have Jesus in our heart- really in our heart- and the great things that God has done and is in the world. We don't know how to walk with him, or why it's important (explanation later). If we knew the impact of what Jesus actually did and the fullness of life that He came to bring- there's no way we'd live the way we do- never asking for much, never expecting much and settling for a heart that's half alive, less than what Jesus actually said he came to bring. (John 10:10)

I've been searching for my heart and I think I'm finally starting to find it. Somewhere in the bible it says that if you seek you will find- and I know that it's true because I stopped talking to God because I was so frustrated and upset, but I wanted answers. A couple weeks ago He started sending them to me through a combination of bible study, people and reading. I'm reading a book that speaks right to my heart- and it uses verses in our bible study- and random people say things that are relevant to me.

But enough about how it's happening. This is what's happening.
God has been showing me that my heart is good. The implications of that are huge because we all live from the basic belief of what we've been told about our heart. If you believe your heart is good, the way you live is completely different. Do you believe your heart is good?
God has been showing me how to walk with Him. I made a startling discovery about my bible the other day. We treat it like a manual for life, which it is, but we fill our lives with principles and guidelines and we ignore what it's supposed to be. We read 1 Cor 13 and we say- 'well if i love this person, then i should be doing these things.' We read Gal 5:22-23 and we say- 'well if i'm a good christian, then i should be patient, kind and gentle.' Do you know that few parts of the bible actually give instructions on principles and specific things we're supposed to be? The discovery I made is that my bible is where God will speak to me, where He will tell me about situations I will encounter, where He shares stories about others like me, and where He tells me what I mean to Him. My first desire is to teach myself how to walk closely with God so I can learn from Him. My second desire is to have His influence in my life so evident that everything the bible talks about is displayed in my life, not because I'm a good christian, but because I walk so closely with God that He changes me.
We need to stop hindering each other by expecting things by principle- and we need to start teaching each other how to walk with God and to find a heart fully alive.
What does that mean for my worth? I used to flippantly say that my worth comes from God and that I should only care about what He thinks of me, and then I go out and hurt people, beat myself up and feel like a failure because sin just keeps taking over. In reality, God knows about my sin and I come back to Him and He knows what I went through, and He knows that I struggle with it sometimes and He still sent Jesus for me. So there goes the condemnation. I found Romans 7:14- 8:17. Paul wrote exactly what I'm thinking. I never do what I want to do. There's something about the Spirit that's going to manifest itself in my good heart and bring me out of constant sin.

This is what we don't understand about walking with God: it's important because He undoes all the hurt that we've survived, and He shows our heart how to be fully alive. We live in a world that is full of things we can't see... battles and challenges. Sin is invisible. We are constantly being attacked and we are constantly fighting for our hearts in a vindictive world that applauds distance, ignorance, callousness and indifference. We don't walk with God because it makes us a better christian- we walk with God because if we don't, our heart will never survive and we will never be fully alive. Isn't that the best thing you've ever heard? You can have the absolute best thing you'll ever encounter in life just by walking with God. You will have a heart fully alive.

At War

2005-01-04T14:03:00.000-06:00

On Sunday Rob said something about getting to a point where the reality of what Christmas means doesn't leave throughout the year; where you don't ride a spiritual high from summer camp and then brave the valley of despair the rest of the year. He said one thing that has begun to ruin all my perceptions about me and God.
"The way to avoid the rollercoaster is to be in touch with the heart of God, to know God and to love Him;To be in love with Him so that it's not all in your mind and it's not all about your head."
I knew right away that what he said would have some importance for me. My spiritual walk has leveled out somewhat compared to what it used to be, but I've hit one of those times when I hate the thought of praying and I do anything but read my bible. Why? Because I'm a thinker. I do everything with my head. Everything I know about God is in my head. God loves me. God has a plan for me. God wants what's best for me. So when my heart is wounded, my head can't fix it, and God is stuck somewhere in between.
I'm reading Waking the Dead (I quoted it in my first blog). All the author says in the first chapter is that most of us no longer have the eyes to see with our hearts because we are so overwhelmed with day to day things that hurt us and go against what we're supposed to know about God. He says that we are at war; God has been at war for us through the entire bible; he is still at war to show people his love while satan tries to feed us lies and make us feel alone. I am at war.
In my head I feel like I'm at the end of all the territory that I know. From here the way is dark. I want my heart to be transformed but I don't know how to get to the heart of God. I want to know things with my heart. I think that's why I can't do anymore on my own. My head has done all the reading and all the thinking it can do. I want to be alive and to live with my heart. I want to love people without reliving everything that keeps me from being alive. I want to know what God means when he says that we can have life to the fullest- that we can be transformed- that we can live with our eyes open. Sometimes I wish that God would just come down and sit with me so that I know that he's real, that He's listening and that He's at war for me. Ps 18:6-12;16.

Daintely Odd

2004-12-29T00:06:00.000-06:00

So many people talk about Christmas like it's a beautiful time where everyone gets along and things are perfect. Time spent with family was great. The food was delicious. I loved my presents. I don't think there's been a year that I've been able to say that about Christmas- and this year was no exception, but for a different reason. I've had a very real and challenging holiday full of frustration, anxiety, sadness, excitement, contentment, anger, laughter, confusion, happiness. I'm not sure if it's because other families are healthier, or if other people are healthier, or if other people deal with things better or if it's just because most people don't want to be honest. I've felt lonely every Christmas that I can remember. Until this year...when I felt more like I didn't want to be myself.
Sometime around the beginning of December I ran into a part of myself that hides most of the time but chose to stay around through the holiday season. When Christmas day was over, I came home and cried. I had a wonderful time too. I enjoyed my brothers more than I ever have before- and because I didn't feel like I needed or wanted anything, my presents were fantastic. But mostly I was hit by the stark reality that whenever I encounter my family, I feel pain. I get frustrated; I feel trapped, anxious and impatient. For some reason God chose to use Christmas as a time to remind me that I'm a broken person. There's so much that I don't understand about myself and so much that I haven't faced. So much of me doesn't show itself everyday, until I'm not prepared. And for some reason, all those things feel worse at Christmas. When things are supposed to be more special and more perfect, when families are supposed to love being able to see each other, I just remember that I don't really have that. That most of the struggles that I faced the whole month were caused by the people I'm supposed to love being around. And what feels worse sometimes is that to those who have great families or great Christmases, I get the feeling that I'm being negative or ungrateful. That I'm just not in the Christmas spirit. That I'm just not trying hard enough.
Only the funny thing is that the reason we celebrate Christmas is because a baby was born to seek and save lost people that he loved; born to live a life of rejection and die a death of pain. And there's not supposed to be either at Christmas. Only good food and memories with family. I'm not really going to accept that. As difficult as it is for me to answer honestly about Christmas, I am going to. It was hard. I cried alot and I hurt. I had good times. But mostly I hurt.
I've been wondering how exactly to approach giving everything to Jesus when most of the time the things that he wants from us are invisible, intangible, elusive things. They are the things that make us hurt when we're supposed to be happy. They don't listen to holiday etiquette or follow expectations. They just come out and they demand attention and they beg for relief. And Jesus is that relief- so more than ever this Christmas I'm just really thankful that I hurt alot because it was at the exact time that a baby was born to shoulder that hurt. I was exactly what he came to save.

Waking the Dead

2004-12-23T13:41:00.000-06:00

If I had gotten around to posting my previous thoughts I probably would have written about my new thoughts on the Passion, after having watched it a second time, or about love. But the theme in my life the past few days has been quite the opposite: fear. Not fear like, 'what scares you most' but fear like 'what has the world done to your heart that keeps you from being the way God intended.' My roommate is reading this book called 'Waking the Dead' by John Eldredge: "The story of your life is the story of a long and brutal assault on your heart by the one who knows what you could be and fears it." Many days I feel that I could be something great but that something is holding me back from getting there. The more that I honestly face what fear is, the more I realize that my life is ruled by it. It's inevitable that a person's history must come into this discussion at some point, so let me just say that my life was very unstable growing up, I began to fear alot of things, and I was left to live in that fear without refuge or comfort or correction until my fears eventually disguised themselves as other things. So what am I talking about? Sometimes I'm afraid of getting sick when something important is coming up, sometimes I'm afraid of getting really sick at all, sometimes I'm afraid of peoples' reactions, what they think of me, what my boss thinks of me. I'm afraid of my car stalling in the middle of an intersection, or not having enough money when I get to the check-out at the grocery store. I'm afraid of being vulnerable, and of being forgotten. Mostly I'm afraid of writing songs, recording a cd, and having it end up in Value Village. Yesterday my friend said to me that if you sit on the talents God has given you without using them, you are not living for His glory. I don't want to not be living for the glory of God. But I don't know what to do with these fears that have defined how I live my life- how I express myself- how I survive. "Well formed love banishes all fear." So it's about love. For God so loved the world...